dang it! i'm so bad at posting!
it's been weeks!..but hiya!

side note- i realized lately that i use exclamation points, alll the time. after practically every tweet or text there is an exclamation point and a smiley face.. i guess that's how i add my emphasis or i'm just apparently always over-excited, who knew?

but enough with my little extra, i actually have stuff to say!

lots of things have been going on including weeks where there is a birthday every day, as well as celebrating moms and their fantastic mother-lives, my sketchy beach hotel experience with Amad, raising more money and collecting tons more shoes for Afife and i have even seen 2 movies since and went to ikea since we last spoke. great news, i know! but enough with filling you in, i got stuff to say!


i have recently, as in thursday, discovered more of who i am. remember how i did that whole personality test thing and was complaining because i didn't really think it described me, bla bla bla, welll, i found out, i read the wrong personality description! and thursday i found mine, and i'm still amazed, seriously it's me on paper. anyway, i have decided or i guess it kinda just happened, that i want to embrace the good aspects of what the paper said. i mean, good moods they're so infectious and they make you feel good. so that's the new wave i'm ridin. it's real nice. i feel refreshed!


oh yeah! i almost forgot
i have also re-discovered jimmy eat world

yep, i'm swept off my feet all over again

ps-
i implore you to try one of these tastey slices of heaven, they're my currently at the top of my chart.. and for all you weight watchers, they're reduced fat! baha

pss- one of the movies i saw was star trek, and i know it sounds really lame, but i loved it, and am itchin to see it again..

side note- has anyone noticed how good movie trailers are getting?! i want to see practically everything coming out in the near future.. which isn't a-ok, because now, since my brother got the ax, i have to actually pay to go to the movies.. and 9.50 to see a movie, ouch!

psss- i FINALLY made mini key lime pies with hannah & michelle!

quite the dilemma

trying to figure out what to buy your best friend for her birthday is tough,
especially when you're low in the funds
and they deserve the world
..sigh!
i need a tutorial on how to get rich.



ps- it's that time again, paper writing time, and in about an hour and a half i have successfully racked up 976 words, impressive if i do say so myself.

pss- i love high heels, it's a shame i can't walk in them

me, stressed out? nooo

stressed out, burnt out, exhausted in every sense of the word
..yep, that's how i'm feelin


see, my mother, my beautiful mother, she's enough to stress anyone out.
in november she began a 1-year, intense, 20 grand, nursing program to become an RN.
sounds pretty ideal for a mom supporting 2 kids & herself, who doesn't have that kind of money, who can only work 2 days a week (if that), and on top of that is already overly stressed, anxious, and hasn't been in school in about 10 years.. right?

nonetheless, i'm a believer, and when my mom puts her mind to whatever, she can do it. i have no doubt. so of course i was her biggest cheerleader for the school. but all this school has done is stress her out beyond what she can bear, it's depressed her, stressed her, stretched her, and as of today is has officially defeated her. she failed her two classes, one by .2 (69.8), and the other by 1 (69).

it sucks, she was so close, and now she's on a downward spiral. i just want to wisk her away, take her to the beach, let her have a long, relaxing vacation, with no obligations, you know stress-free
because i mean there is good news, she already found another school she could enroll in, meaning with one door closing, another is already open... but still it's so hard. and she's so upset and down on herself. if only she believed in her like i do, if only she saw the potential i know she has.
plus i know she can't help but think about the whole 10,000 bucks down the drain, which blows! and i dunno i feel like i just failed or something, like i didn't pray hard enough, or like i should have studied more with her.. it's exhausting me, and getting to me.

i have this issue, where i want to fix everything, make everything better, and when i can't i'm really hard on myself, to the point i get stressed out, upset, and exhausted. hence, where i'm at now.
but enough with my pity party!

..speaking of parties, how many freaky deaky birthdays can be in one month?!?!
and each one is after more and more of my wallet..
BUT my 2 bundles of joy/best friends' birthdays are this within 5 days of each other's and boy, are we gonna celebrate! 18 & 19, such crucial years.

..i'm ready for the weekend, clearwater here i come!

ps- my brother is cooking me steak, mashed potatoes, and asparagus for dinner tonight, yum! oh the perks of having a twin brother who loves me.

pss-

i want to bake these sooo bad!!!

goodbye sassy susan

oh blog, how i have neglected you this past week!
buuuut,
here's what's fresh off the wire:

as of yesterday afternoon, i am not allowed to criticize, condemn, or complain for a whole week
AND if i do i have to put a quarter in the Africa pot (all our money collected goes towards the well)
i know what you're thinking, and stop it!
.. quit thinking it's a crazy idea! it's val's object lesson for us interns this week.
see, we started reading How to Win Friends and Influence People and this is step 1, quit bein so critical!
and i'll admit, i wasn't so gung-ho about it at first, but really it's a cool idea that offers a totally new perspective and kinda makes you face your not-so-endearing qualities
so goodbye sassy susan, hello positive penelope
.. maybe after this i will learn to have a filter !

other than that:
i am seriously behind in my books.. all 7 of them
i've come to terms that research papers are not my forte
also, i think side hugs shouldn't be considered hugs
and i'm still addicted to iced coffee and chicken biscuits, as well as sunglasses, i have 4 pairs in my purse right now, i'm telling you i have problems people!
and as of last thursday rachael and i have entered into a new relationship of accountability partners!
oh and i entertained the thought of falling in love the other day.. it must be the swine flue epidemic

..there's probably more, but hey it's enough for me.

ps-it's that time of year again.. i'm sick of my entire closet, i want to throw everything out, and say goodbye to my endless supply of forever 21 v-necks, my plethora of black shirts, and my plain jane stuff.. i want my clothes to be bright and summer-y

pss- i had to write a 3-year plan last night, needless to say it was intense, and far too decisive for me
..however, i think i just might have narrowed it down to 5 career options!
a pastry chef, a legit chef (like that does it all, not just pastries) , a personal assistant, hotel manager, or nurse
i don't know, i don't know, i just don't know!

undecided

you know, this whole "what am i going to do next?" question has been weighing pretty heavily on my mind lately. i mean can i not go into any conversation anymore without expecting to be asked, "what's next?" or "what do you want to do after the internship?" or "what do you want to do with the rest of your life?"
normally, i say "good question" or "i don't know" or i tell them about whatever is currently interesting me the most (for example, i like baking and so a pastry chef has been my top career choice for the past 6 months or so).

but i'm so TIRED of it! i'm so tired of worrying about it, thinking about it, being asked about it. my mom is practically shoving the college idea down my throat. you know, because she didn't go then, and is stuck in it now, she doesn't want me to miss out on the opportunity, plus "it's the only way i'm going to have a good life, and be able to provide for myself and a family" oh and "don't let all your intelligence go to waste"..

i mean, yeah, yeah, yeah, i understand where she's coming from, completely. she was a stay-at-home mom my whole childhood and didn't go to nursing school til i was 14, and right after she graduated nursing school my dad left us. so yeah, i understand that she is paranoid that i won't be able to provide for myself and my family, but come on mom, drop the whole college mumbo jumbo.
i get it, i'm smart. my 5.7 gpa was a beautiful thing. and my free college opportunities will only be around for so much longer..


but, the problem is, i don't know what i want to do with the rest of my life! i'm not even motivated to figure it all out yet. i'm 19 for goodness sakes, i barely can pick where i want to eat for lunch, much less what i'm going to do over the weekend, so how can i already know what to spend the rest of my life doing? i guess being that i have lived 19 years of life you'd have expected me to figure it out already.. but i'm still maturing, growing, and learning about myself.
do people not understand that this isn't just something you wake up and decide to do? ..it's a CRUCIAL, HUGE, decision, that for an indecisive person like myself, takes tons of time to figure out.

see, there are some people, like one of my best friends, Jen, who just knows what she wants to be, she wants to be a missionary, and has known for years, or there are people like Joel who have that one thing, that raw talent and passion that completely drives them. but me, i'm different. i don't have that "it" thing. Lord knows i'm not athletic, i can't carry a tune, the only instrument i can play is the viola, i can't do that whole public speaking thing to save my life, and i'm even camera shy. all i've got going for me is i've got a big heart, i'm real inquistive, and i love people, a lot, and, yeah i can make a mean cupcake, brownie, pie, you name it, but like i know if that's what i want to spend the rest of my life doing.

i don't know, maybe i'm just scared to take a risk? maybe the future just freaks me out? or maybe, just maybe, i don't want to waste time anymore? i wanna do things that i'm passionate about!


what motivates me right now isn't being stuck in a school taking filler classes til i declare a major. what motivates me right now is showing Christ's love. what i'm the most excited about right now is the well in Africa that we are going to be providing for and the fact that we already have 48 pairs of shoes for kids in Guatemala.
..i dunno!
the more i write, the more confused i become.
because i'm so lucky to have the opportunity and option to go to even go to college. i have drinking water, i have shoes on my feet, i'm healthy, and those things are stuff i take for granted so often. here i am going off on how i don't know what i want to do with the rest of my life, but at least i get to choose what i want to do with my future, and have the plethora of opportunities entirely at my disposal.. i'm so lucky!


..i guess if anything, after this whole rant, all i can say is i've got it good, so good. and i don't want to just sit around, twiddling my thumbs in a classroom, but i want to do something. and i want to love. so bad, so hard, and so real, because that's what Jesus was all about. and really, i just want what i do to have greater purpose.

..sooo, who wants to make a bet i'll be in college next fall? hahah!



ps- flipping pancakes is an art. too bad, i forgot how!
pss- i had a dream i could play the piano last night, i was playing the fun part in death and all his friends by coldplay, and i was the jam!! ..you know what that means, this will now be number 71 on my bucket list! (:

bittersweet

that's my life, as of now, summed up in one word



.. i'll fill you in more soon, promise



ps- let's go see this and have a tearfest!!

this feels good

we're building a well in Africa! we're having a shoe drive! we're saving up money to get someone who needs a car, a car! AND we're raising awareness and sending 25 dollars a month to Love146!
bring on the benefit shows, the bake sales, car washes, yard sales!


i'm so excited for this, it feels like Christmas, and i'm not even getting anything!
and i want everyone to get involved, not just our church, and not just old people with a thick wad of cash in their wallet, i want it to be the youth, coming together, acting as a community, as a church.
we're called to this generation so let's take care of them! let's give of ourselves and love on them, and love on each other.



ps- bon iver is coming to the state theater june 10!!


pss- i just had to gush about it again, i got new shampoo and conditioner, and my hair feels super delicious! seriously, it's never felt this good before.