Wednesday, August 26, 2009

late night vulnerability

i'm completely scattered.
like i'm thinking about a million different things at once. except i'm not. i'm just flip flopping. with everything.
my life.
family. love. wants. needs. dreams. the world. God. where i stand. where i want to be. friends. relationships. books. boys. tv. pictures. strengths. weaknesses. fights. change. loss. the future. the past. now. failure. success. the unknown. who i am.

i'm found and lost at the very same time.
if that makes sense.
which it doesn't.
i'm even typing complicated.

...i don't know.

i'm tired of being scared. i'm tired of putting things off. i want to go school. i want to learn. i want to work. i want to drive. i want to read books. i want to fall back in love with God. then, i want to be open to falling in love. and i want to try new things. take risks. lose my breath. and then catch it. and i want to fail. and i want to succeed. i'm tired of holding back. i want to move forward.

i just want to live something beautiful and disastrous and fun and serious and complicated and simple and realistic and yet a dream.
i like the idea of that.

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on a personal note- i miss my dad
i think that's the first time i've admitted that since they got divorced. so 5 years its been? it's hard when you want to be strong for everyone else's sake. and because of that you end up building up a wall that blocks every emotion and memory. not to mention, i hate what he did to us. i hate it so much it still hurts. i hate that he has a new daughter. i hate that he cares about her more than us. and we're his. and i forgive him, i really do and i love him, but that doesn't take the pain away. i hated seeing my mom do nothing but lay in bed crying. for days. i hated waking up to my house half empty because he took everything he liked. and i hate that he left the things he should've valued most behind. because my mom & us kids, we were the best part of that house. gosh, i miss that house. i miss my yellow room. and i miss having someone to go to when my mom was being unfair. i miss someone knocking on my door and sitting on my bed, patiently waiting til i stopped crying. i miss having a newspaper in the house. i miss being called danielle. i miss looking every year for the perfectly sappy card to make him cry on his birthday. i miss having coffee brewing in the morning. i miss his smell of cologne and cigars. i miss him always having a pack of skittles in his car for me to snack on. and i miss not having to worry about where to live.

but, thanks God for my mom. we got in a big fight yesterday, and i'm hurt. but, when it comes down to it, i love that woman. i love her oh so much. and i love that she didn't leave me and that i'm worth something to her. i love that she changed her whole life around because i was her priority. i love who she always was and who she's turned into along the way. i love her independence and her strength. i love her warmth and when she's proud of me. i'm so lucky and so grateful.
and i hope to be half the woman and mom she is to me. i'd be satisfied with that.

okay, i'm finished being vulnerable. sorry!
i don't know where it came from. but it feels good.

i'm excited to live.

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