goodbye sassy susan

oh blog, how i have neglected you this past week!
buuuut,
here's what's fresh off the wire:

as of yesterday afternoon, i am not allowed to criticize, condemn, or complain for a whole week
AND if i do i have to put a quarter in the Africa pot (all our money collected goes towards the well)
i know what you're thinking, and stop it!
.. quit thinking it's a crazy idea! it's val's object lesson for us interns this week.
see, we started reading How to Win Friends and Influence People and this is step 1, quit bein so critical!
and i'll admit, i wasn't so gung-ho about it at first, but really it's a cool idea that offers a totally new perspective and kinda makes you face your not-so-endearing qualities
so goodbye sassy susan, hello positive penelope
.. maybe after this i will learn to have a filter !

other than that:
i am seriously behind in my books.. all 7 of them
i've come to terms that research papers are not my forte
also, i think side hugs shouldn't be considered hugs
and i'm still addicted to iced coffee and chicken biscuits, as well as sunglasses, i have 4 pairs in my purse right now, i'm telling you i have problems people!
and as of last thursday rachael and i have entered into a new relationship of accountability partners!
oh and i entertained the thought of falling in love the other day.. it must be the swine flue epidemic

..there's probably more, but hey it's enough for me.

ps-it's that time of year again.. i'm sick of my entire closet, i want to throw everything out, and say goodbye to my endless supply of forever 21 v-necks, my plethora of black shirts, and my plain jane stuff.. i want my clothes to be bright and summer-y

pss- i had to write a 3-year plan last night, needless to say it was intense, and far too decisive for me
..however, i think i just might have narrowed it down to 5 career options!
a pastry chef, a legit chef (like that does it all, not just pastries) , a personal assistant, hotel manager, or nurse
i don't know, i don't know, i just don't know!

undecided

you know, this whole "what am i going to do next?" question has been weighing pretty heavily on my mind lately. i mean can i not go into any conversation anymore without expecting to be asked, "what's next?" or "what do you want to do after the internship?" or "what do you want to do with the rest of your life?"
normally, i say "good question" or "i don't know" or i tell them about whatever is currently interesting me the most (for example, i like baking and so a pastry chef has been my top career choice for the past 6 months or so).

but i'm so TIRED of it! i'm so tired of worrying about it, thinking about it, being asked about it. my mom is practically shoving the college idea down my throat. you know, because she didn't go then, and is stuck in it now, she doesn't want me to miss out on the opportunity, plus "it's the only way i'm going to have a good life, and be able to provide for myself and a family" oh and "don't let all your intelligence go to waste"..

i mean, yeah, yeah, yeah, i understand where she's coming from, completely. she was a stay-at-home mom my whole childhood and didn't go to nursing school til i was 14, and right after she graduated nursing school my dad left us. so yeah, i understand that she is paranoid that i won't be able to provide for myself and my family, but come on mom, drop the whole college mumbo jumbo.
i get it, i'm smart. my 5.7 gpa was a beautiful thing. and my free college opportunities will only be around for so much longer..


but, the problem is, i don't know what i want to do with the rest of my life! i'm not even motivated to figure it all out yet. i'm 19 for goodness sakes, i barely can pick where i want to eat for lunch, much less what i'm going to do over the weekend, so how can i already know what to spend the rest of my life doing? i guess being that i have lived 19 years of life you'd have expected me to figure it out already.. but i'm still maturing, growing, and learning about myself.
do people not understand that this isn't just something you wake up and decide to do? ..it's a CRUCIAL, HUGE, decision, that for an indecisive person like myself, takes tons of time to figure out.

see, there are some people, like one of my best friends, Jen, who just knows what she wants to be, she wants to be a missionary, and has known for years, or there are people like Joel who have that one thing, that raw talent and passion that completely drives them. but me, i'm different. i don't have that "it" thing. Lord knows i'm not athletic, i can't carry a tune, the only instrument i can play is the viola, i can't do that whole public speaking thing to save my life, and i'm even camera shy. all i've got going for me is i've got a big heart, i'm real inquistive, and i love people, a lot, and, yeah i can make a mean cupcake, brownie, pie, you name it, but like i know if that's what i want to spend the rest of my life doing.

i don't know, maybe i'm just scared to take a risk? maybe the future just freaks me out? or maybe, just maybe, i don't want to waste time anymore? i wanna do things that i'm passionate about!


what motivates me right now isn't being stuck in a school taking filler classes til i declare a major. what motivates me right now is showing Christ's love. what i'm the most excited about right now is the well in Africa that we are going to be providing for and the fact that we already have 48 pairs of shoes for kids in Guatemala.
..i dunno!
the more i write, the more confused i become.
because i'm so lucky to have the opportunity and option to go to even go to college. i have drinking water, i have shoes on my feet, i'm healthy, and those things are stuff i take for granted so often. here i am going off on how i don't know what i want to do with the rest of my life, but at least i get to choose what i want to do with my future, and have the plethora of opportunities entirely at my disposal.. i'm so lucky!


..i guess if anything, after this whole rant, all i can say is i've got it good, so good. and i don't want to just sit around, twiddling my thumbs in a classroom, but i want to do something. and i want to love. so bad, so hard, and so real, because that's what Jesus was all about. and really, i just want what i do to have greater purpose.

..sooo, who wants to make a bet i'll be in college next fall? hahah!



ps- flipping pancakes is an art. too bad, i forgot how!
pss- i had a dream i could play the piano last night, i was playing the fun part in death and all his friends by coldplay, and i was the jam!! ..you know what that means, this will now be number 71 on my bucket list! (:

bittersweet

that's my life, as of now, summed up in one word



.. i'll fill you in more soon, promise



ps- let's go see this and have a tearfest!!

this feels good

we're building a well in Africa! we're having a shoe drive! we're saving up money to get someone who needs a car, a car! AND we're raising awareness and sending 25 dollars a month to Love146!
bring on the benefit shows, the bake sales, car washes, yard sales!


i'm so excited for this, it feels like Christmas, and i'm not even getting anything!
and i want everyone to get involved, not just our church, and not just old people with a thick wad of cash in their wallet, i want it to be the youth, coming together, acting as a community, as a church.
we're called to this generation so let's take care of them! let's give of ourselves and love on them, and love on each other.



ps- bon iver is coming to the state theater june 10!!


pss- i just had to gush about it again, i got new shampoo and conditioner, and my hair feels super delicious! seriously, it's never felt this good before.

i'm a "why" kind of girl

good news.. i'm back!
i'm kind of overwhelmed to really say all too much, but i'm gonna try, because i've got loads of good stuff rolling around in this head of mine, and good stuff just shouldn't go to waste, right?!


so, you may or may not have figured this out about me, but i'm a "why" kind of girl. you know i'm one of those.. one of those girls who always has her hand raised, asks questions during movies, the whole sha-bang. i mean, i can't help it, i'm extremely curious...i blame my mother.

anyways, so in me being a "why" kind of girl, i find myself having about 1,000 different questions going on in my head, at the same time mind you! but these puppies, they're questions that even i can't have answered, well, not exactly.

let me explain, it's Easter. so of course gettin my holy-iday on, you know i'm commemorating the fact that Jesus is alive and i'm celebrating in the abundant love he has so freely given us and also the living, breathing relationships we have gotten to thrust ourselves into with Him. (ftw!)
and as i'm celebrating, the questions start popping in my head, kind of like those games at chuck-e-cheese with the little heads that pop up that you hit with the mallot.. i mean why did God decide love us? he doesn't need us. he didn't even have to love us. we're not perfect, we're anything but perfect. simply put, we suck, and yes, i'm gonna be blunt about it, because it's true! we hurt him, we rebuke him, we want him only when it's convenient to our schedules, we're mean, we're liars, we're unfaithful, we lack commitment and faith, we're hypocrites, we're fake, we're materialistic. yet, despite all of that, he sent his one and only son to pay the penalty for all our sins, to die the most excruciating death for us, for you and me, and he didn't even have to, but he did.
see, that's what i don't get! it blows my mind. why me? why us? how did we get so lucky? why are we so blessed? ..in my eyes, we've all hit jackpot, we've all won the lottery, we've got it made! i mean, God's perfect, he's the cream of the crop, shoot, he's the beginning and the end, and yet he still wants me? he still wants you? ..he wants us so bad, his heart desires us so much, that he wants us to spend eternity with him. see, he doesn't just to chill with us for a day, or a couple months, but he wants us forever, and you know, that's a pretty long time..
he sets aside and forgives all our bad and sees us a way we don't see ourselves. he looks past all our shame and sin, and sees us as the beautiful creations he so intricately designed. he calls us his sons and his daughters, he's known us and loved us since before we were even born!
..i'm completely amazed. i'm so blessed. we're so blessed. dude! God is good. that's all i gotta say.

oh and-

Colossians 3: 12-14 So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.

one more thing-
Jesus Culture - (2007) 2 Your Love is Everything

change, my what a love-hate relationship we have

first and foremost, hello blogger-world!
my name is jessica and i have no idea how long this whole blog thing will last.
i mean, it took me 6 months to think of a blog name, so i think i at least owe you 6 months of material... right?

now that we can put introductions aside, let's get down to business.
well, not really business, but let's get to the good, juicy stuff.

so here i am, thursday night, at home, completely bummed.
and why might you ask.. get ready for this one
i got my haircut.
i know, i know, you can quit gasping and dropping your jaws.
i mean it's so apparent now, why i'm bummed, why the waterworks came, i cut my hair.
i did what i have been wanting to do the last uh, 6 months? not to mention, my mom paid for it, and my hairdresser did it exactly how i asked her to, probably even better than i asked.
these are all clearly reasons to be upset. right?

sigh, okay so enough sarcasm. i have NO reason to be remotely upset. but i'll tell you why i am.. because things changed. that word, that 7 letter word, it makes me feel all funny inside. i grit my teeth a little and put on my uncomfortable face, because that's honestly how it makes me feel. see, i can talk about change all i want, because Lord knows this girl wants things to change, so bad, but when it comes to me making the changes alone, that's when the hate part of this love-hate relationship comes into play.

i even took a personality test last thursday, and you know what my results were. i am an ENFJ. i'm extroverted, intuitive, feeling, and judging. my highest percentages were found in the extroverted and feeling categories, and i immediately clung onto the assumption that the test was rigged and wasn't accurate at all. i mean, pffff since when do i love people and since when am i um, they call it sensitive?
if you know me at all, you'll know sensitive is practically my middle name and i love people. but the more i gave it thought the more i realized why i was not diggin these results. it wasn't really because of the sensitive part because i knew that part was true, but it was the extroverted part. i can be pretty quiet and shy and big crowds intimidate me.. sometimes. but the real reason the whole extrovert part bothered me was because it made me confront myself. i overanalyze many things, especially myself. and by now, being 19 (i know i'm on the verge of being ancient, but that's another subject for another day) i have picked me apart and know myself pretty well. i know i have an extroverted personality, i know i have the gift of hospitality, but i find myself not living that out all the time. and that's a harsh reality to face. and the only way to fix the situation is by changing my style.. and i don't like change all too much, at least when it comes to changing me that is.

i once read ''everybody thinks of changing humanity and nobody thinks of changing himself'' and it's kind of stuck with me. we're so quick to want to change other people before we even look at ourselves. and even if we want change, how often do we sit on the sideline being content with our discontent rather than taking action and making changes?

i'm ready for change. i want to smell differently, taste differently, see differently. i want my heart to be more open and more loving than it's ever been before. i want to live differently, act differently, love differently. i want to laugh louder, breathe deeper, love more intimately, prayer more fervently. i'm tired of wasting time being complacent. i'm tired of wasting time in general.

let's get shoes for kids in Guatemala, let's build a well in Africa, let's adopt a village, let's bring in canned goods every sunday, let's have spaghetti dinners, let's buy people who need a car, a car, let's wash feet, let's just DO SOMETHING. one of the greatest ways to change yourself is to stop thinking about yourself and do something for someone else.


ps- completely inspirational
all i can say is, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man!
http://www.africa.upenn.edu/Articles_Gen/Letter_Birmingham.html