Thursday, September 17, 2009

thursday night woes

sometimes, i really hate that my love languages are words of affirmation and physical touch
..especially when my biggest Comforter can't directly (and audibly) talk to me or touch me


a hug would be nice right about now.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

late night vulnerability

i'm completely scattered.
like i'm thinking about a million different things at once. except i'm not. i'm just flip flopping. with everything.
my life.
family. love. wants. needs. dreams. the world. God. where i stand. where i want to be. friends. relationships. books. boys. tv. pictures. strengths. weaknesses. fights. change. loss. the future. the past. now. failure. success. the unknown. who i am.

i'm found and lost at the very same time.
if that makes sense.
which it doesn't.
i'm even typing complicated.

...i don't know.

i'm tired of being scared. i'm tired of putting things off. i want to go school. i want to learn. i want to work. i want to drive. i want to read books. i want to fall back in love with God. then, i want to be open to falling in love. and i want to try new things. take risks. lose my breath. and then catch it. and i want to fail. and i want to succeed. i'm tired of holding back. i want to move forward.

i just want to live something beautiful and disastrous and fun and serious and complicated and simple and realistic and yet a dream.
i like the idea of that.

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on a personal note- i miss my dad
i think that's the first time i've admitted that since they got divorced. so 5 years its been? it's hard when you want to be strong for everyone else's sake. and because of that you end up building up a wall that blocks every emotion and memory. not to mention, i hate what he did to us. i hate it so much it still hurts. i hate that he has a new daughter. i hate that he cares about her more than us. and we're his. and i forgive him, i really do and i love him, but that doesn't take the pain away. i hated seeing my mom do nothing but lay in bed crying. for days. i hated waking up to my house half empty because he took everything he liked. and i hate that he left the things he should've valued most behind. because my mom & us kids, we were the best part of that house. gosh, i miss that house. i miss my yellow room. and i miss having someone to go to when my mom was being unfair. i miss someone knocking on my door and sitting on my bed, patiently waiting til i stopped crying. i miss having a newspaper in the house. i miss being called danielle. i miss looking every year for the perfectly sappy card to make him cry on his birthday. i miss having coffee brewing in the morning. i miss his smell of cologne and cigars. i miss him always having a pack of skittles in his car for me to snack on. and i miss not having to worry about where to live.

but, thanks God for my mom. we got in a big fight yesterday, and i'm hurt. but, when it comes down to it, i love that woman. i love her oh so much. and i love that she didn't leave me and that i'm worth something to her. i love that she changed her whole life around because i was her priority. i love who she always was and who she's turned into along the way. i love her independence and her strength. i love her warmth and when she's proud of me. i'm so lucky and so grateful.
and i hope to be half the woman and mom she is to me. i'd be satisfied with that.

okay, i'm finished being vulnerable. sorry!
i don't know where it came from. but it feels good.

i'm excited to live.

Friday, July 24, 2009


all you need to know about the last month of my life is that it was great! so great in fact, that it was the best of all the 11 months.

anyways, i read this poem a couple minutes ago. and it made me a little speechless. see, i've been on this bitter-about-love kick for a while now...
but man, i want to feel like that. to love someone like that.

"I want to be a lost poem in a stranger's coat pocket, that conveys the importance of you.
To assure you of my desire, to assure you of dreams. I want all the possibilities of you in writing.
I want to give you your reflection, I want your eyes on me, I want to travel to the lightness with you and stay there, and I want everything before you...
...everything before you to follow us like a trail behind me.
I want never to say goodbye to you, even on the street corner or the phone.
I want, I want so much... I'm breathless.
I want to put my power into a poem to burn a hole in your pocket so I can sew it.
I want my words to scream through you. I want the poem not to mean that much.
And I want to contradict myself by accident, and for you to know what I mean.
I want you to be distant and for me to feel you close, I want endless days when it's day and... nighttime never to end when it's night.
I want all the seasons in one day. I want the sun to set before us and come up in front of us.
I want water up to our waists and to be drenched by the rain, up to our ankles with holes in our shoes.
...with holes in our shoes. I want to think your thoughts because they're mine.
I want only what's urgent with you.
I want to get in the way of the barriers and I want you to be a tough guy when you're supposed to,
like you do already.
...when you're supposed to. And I want you to be tender, like you do already.
And I want us to have met for a reason and I want that reason to be important.
And I want it to be bigger than us, I want it to take over us.
I want to forget. I want to remember us.
And when you say you love me I don't want to think you really mean New York City, and all the fun
we have in it.
And I want your smile always, and your grimaces too.
I want your scar on my lips, and I want your disappointments in my heart.
I want your strength in my soul and I want your soul in my eyes.
I want to believe everything you say, and I do.
And I want you to tell me what's best when I don't know.
And when you're lost I want to find you.
And when you're weary I want to give you steeples and cathedral thoughts and coliseum dreams.
I want to drag you from the darkness and kneel with you exhausted with the blinding light blaring on us... and..."
-chelsea walls

going along with my lovey-dovey mood is
my beau wishlit:
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#1, someone who keeps me on my toes

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#2, i've said it before, and i'll say it again, i like my men like i like my coffee :D

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#3, and someone who compromises

my last note

i can't wait to see this!!!

Sunday, June 28, 2009


my new guilty pleasure:

..tell me this song ain't catchy?! baha

oh yeah!! in case you were wondering, i had a marvelous week!! aaand i finally hung out with my long lost friend, the mall. how is it that when you don't have money you, you love everything, its all in your size and fits and looks as if it was made for you?
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anyone feeling generous??

ps- how is that celebrities are droppin like hot poptarts?! ed mcman, farrah fawcett, michael jackson, and now billy mays!
..whatta crazy week

american idol

all day i've just been totally buggin. i'm frustrated i think?

it all started a couple weeks ago when val and garland were on this podcast frenzy, and were makin us, the interns, listen to like 2 podcasts a day from a conference a few of our pastors went to the weekend prior. anyway, their most promising podcast for us was one that wrecked them entirely and the topic it centered on was idolatry, comparing the idolatry of the Bible to the idolatry of the world today.

it was a really good sermon, very informative, with really good points that hit the message home. the only thing was that this "wrecked" feeling that i had prepared myself for wasn't my idea of "wrecked" at all. when i think of wrecked the adjectives broken, hurt, sorry, lost come to mind, but instead after the sermon was over i felt like complete crap. it was conviction in the strongest, most potent form, but not the kind of conviction where i want to repent and change, but the kind of conviction where i'm completely screwed and even if i do repent i still have far too many idols. it made me feel as if becoming isolated from the world would be the only way to live correctly or something.

i mean, the message roundaboutly said, practically everything in our lives are idols, from celebrities, to family, to friends, to consumerism, to technology, to TV, to love, to a baby. it's insane! and i didn't like it. mainly because i don't know even know what the cut off is. how do you know when you love your family too much that they become an idol? aren't you supposed to love your family? aren't you supposed to hold them in a high regard?
see, i'm only human, and this message i know wasn't intended to make me feel like crap. and i probably took it out of context or something. but i can't help the way it made me feel, nor can i say after listening to it i didn't feel like i should just drop everything and become a nun.. because a small, very tiny, part of me felt like i should, only because i don't want to sin against my God and i don't want to have idols.

but, after listening to this message michelle and i did what any pair of convicted best friends do.. we got slurpees, sat in the car, and talked about it. we were both feeling equally crappy, and after sharing our thoughts we brushed the topic off, and i haven't really thought about it since until today.

see, our (ex?) worship pastor Joel has ventured off into a new, exciting chapter in his life where he is devoting himself entirely to touring nationwide for 3 months with his band mates/brothers as missionaries. he'll be worshipping at churches around the country, using his gift of music as the avenue to which he can share the love of Jesus. the only problem is Joel is a beloved member of our church. everyone loves him, and honestly, he is dang good at what he does, which makes Joel's new transition hard. people have become so accustomed to him as our worship leader that no one else is acceptable. it's become as if they can't worship unless Joel sings which is entirely outrageous. this morning there were even some people who didn't stand up to worship and that bugged me. worship isn't about who's leading and how good they sound but it's about our God and how good he is.

this whole scenario ultimately brought me back to the idolatry fiasco i had brushed off. for some people joel had become an idol. and rightfully so that happened. our entire culture is an idolically-based society. for goodness sakes we even have a show named America Idol! even yesterday i was reading in a magazine and it said that even in this recession though people are buying less microwaves, dryers, and vacations, the number of trips to mcdonald's, designer jeans sold, and iphones being bought haven't wavered at all. it's insane! people are losing jobs, 6 houses are for sale/rent in my neighborhood, not to mention so many houses are getting foreclosed on.. and yet, in the midst of this, we still have time to be completely materialistic? maybe we don't have a Temple of Artemis, but we're a consumer-based society that thrives on what's new, next, faster, and better.

so my point in all of that mumbo jumbo is, our society, we've got issues. we've got idols. we need to re-prioritize. we need to want God more than we want the new whatever. but we don't by any means need to become nuns, or burn all our expensive clothes, or never eat out again, or think everything in our lives are idols, because not everything is. and where the cut off line for love and idol is i have no clue.!! i have no way to wrap up nicely everything i want to say..
so i won't.

Friday, June 19, 2009

36 days

what's the best ending to the longest week ever? oh yeah, longest weekend ever!

as if this week wasn't already long enough with adventure island, rachael's birthday!, movie nights at jason's, church, a field trip to the park, camp planning, and yard sale preparation.. this weekend includes: sleepover tonight at garland & christina's to get ready for the yard sale, then yard sale tomorrow, then sunday is packed with father's day, church, hope ministries, and joel's goodbye for 3 month show/cd release, oh and monday my normal day to relax, will instead be spent at a puppet show..
i guess i just need to get a better attitude..
but i'm not gonna lie, i'm burnt out and exhausted and miss having a summer or at least a break!

plus let's not forget in 36 days my world is going to flip. everything is going to change. everything is going to be different. and my best friend and i will break up. it's pretty overwhelming.

whelp, i need this-
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Sunday, June 14, 2009

you've got mail

dear life,
i'm tired of just an existing in you.

sincerely, jessica

Friday, June 12, 2009


seriously, i want some dangit cardboard love!
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..i mean, even though i don't find a man friend a necessity for my life right reasons being 1, that i'm off limits til july 26th, 2, being that michelle & i have a 20 dollar bet riding on it, and 3, being it's just not a necessity right now.. i will say, a special friend might be nice, one day

in other news, i'm hooked on, so many goodies!

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Image and video hosting by TinyPic gems, right?!

oh yeah- remember my love-hate relationship with change? whelp, the love part of this relationship and i are on the rocks, big time

ps- if you want a good laugh: my brother gave kathy (some of you know her as kathleen) his number tonight, bahaha

Saturday, June 6, 2009


my how the tables have turned!

from bums to babes
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that's what 3 years of love and bestfriendship looks like


as of yesterday afternoon i entered the smart phone world
and became the proud owner of a blackberry pearl
and yes, i'm in love with it.. a little bit

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oh and- i still want to go, anywhere, and everywhere.

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(thanks michelle for helping me re-discover my love/appreciation for a good photo)

ps- get ready! i'm going to write a blog about my top 20 favorite songs, ever. no specific genre, artist, time period. anything goes, whether or not i can narrow them down is the true task. i want to find those 20 songs that i still get excited to hear, the songs that i annoyingly listened to over and over again because they were just that good, the songs that shaped my taste, and ultimately the songs that actually mean something to me in some way or another. oh and i might have you know, the choices probably won't flow, that's just not my thang.. at least, most of the time anyways.

Monday, June 1, 2009

come fly with me

guys, i need a break

i did some good ol' fashioned hard work today, which involved serious procrastination and looking at what felt like an endless array of places, things, and people i wanted to see, experience, and meet. i'm tellin you, my heart is desiring a nice long road trip and a good dose of spontaneity.

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ps-i have 2 papers due tomorrow, 2 8-10 page papers, and nope, i'm not done with either, and yep, i'm running a fever.. i'm taking this a sign from God i need a vacation!!

Sunday, May 17, 2009

dang it! i'm so bad at posting!
it's been weeks!..but hiya!

side note- i realized lately that i use exclamation points, alll the time. after practically every tweet or text there is an exclamation point and a smiley face.. i guess that's how i add my emphasis or i'm just apparently always over-excited, who knew?

but enough with my little extra, i actually have stuff to say!

lots of things have been going on including weeks where there is a birthday every day, as well as celebrating moms and their fantastic mother-lives, my sketchy beach hotel experience with Amad, raising more money and collecting tons more shoes for Afife and i have even seen 2 movies since and went to ikea since we last spoke. great news, i know! but enough with filling you in, i got stuff to say!

i have recently, as in thursday, discovered more of who i am. remember how i did that whole personality test thing and was complaining because i didn't really think it described me, bla bla bla, welll, i found out, i read the wrong personality description! and thursday i found mine, and i'm still amazed, seriously it's me on paper. anyway, i have decided or i guess it kinda just happened, that i want to embrace the good aspects of what the paper said. i mean, good moods they're so infectious and they make you feel good. so that's the new wave i'm ridin. it's real nice. i feel refreshed!

oh yeah! i almost forgot
i have also re-discovered jimmy eat world

yep, i'm swept off my feet all over again

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i implore you to try one of these tastey slices of heaven, they're my currently at the top of my chart.. and for all you weight watchers, they're reduced fat! baha

pss- one of the movies i saw was star trek, and i know it sounds really lame, but i loved it, and am itchin to see it again..

side note- has anyone noticed how good movie trailers are getting?! i want to see practically everything coming out in the near future.. which isn't a-ok, because now, since my brother got the ax, i have to actually pay to go to the movies.. and 9.50 to see a movie, ouch!

psss- i FINALLY made mini key lime pies with hannah & michelle!

Saturday, May 9, 2009

quite the dilemma

trying to figure out what to buy your best friend for her birthday is tough,
especially when you're low in the funds
and they deserve the world
i need a tutorial on how to get rich.

ps- it's that time again, paper writing time, and in about an hour and a half i have successfully racked up 976 words, impressive if i do say so myself.

pss- i love high heels, it's a shame i can't walk in them

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

me, stressed out? nooo

stressed out, burnt out, exhausted in every sense of the word
..yep, that's how i'm feelin

see, my mother, my beautiful mother, she's enough to stress anyone out.
in november she began a 1-year, intense, 20 grand, nursing program to become an RN.
sounds pretty ideal for a mom supporting 2 kids & herself, who doesn't have that kind of money, who can only work 2 days a week (if that), and on top of that is already overly stressed, anxious, and hasn't been in school in about 10 years.. right?

nonetheless, i'm a believer, and when my mom puts her mind to whatever, she can do it. i have no doubt. so of course i was her biggest cheerleader for the school. but all this school has done is stress her out beyond what she can bear, it's depressed her, stressed her, stretched her, and as of today is has officially defeated her. she failed her two classes, one by .2 (69.8), and the other by 1 (69).

it sucks, she was so close, and now she's on a downward spiral. i just want to wisk her away, take her to the beach, let her have a long, relaxing vacation, with no obligations, you know stress-free
because i mean there is good news, she already found another school she could enroll in, meaning with one door closing, another is already open... but still it's so hard. and she's so upset and down on herself. if only she believed in her like i do, if only she saw the potential i know she has.
plus i know she can't help but think about the whole 10,000 bucks down the drain, which blows! and i dunno i feel like i just failed or something, like i didn't pray hard enough, or like i should have studied more with her.. it's exhausting me, and getting to me.

i have this issue, where i want to fix everything, make everything better, and when i can't i'm really hard on myself, to the point i get stressed out, upset, and exhausted. hence, where i'm at now.
but enough with my pity party!

..speaking of parties, how many freaky deaky birthdays can be in one month?!?!
and each one is after more and more of my wallet..
BUT my 2 bundles of joy/best friends' birthdays are this within 5 days of each other's and boy, are we gonna celebrate! 18 & 19, such crucial years.
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..i'm ready for the weekend, clearwater here i come!

ps- my brother is cooking me steak, mashed potatoes, and asparagus for dinner tonight, yum! oh the perks of having a twin brother who loves me.

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i want to bake these sooo bad!!!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

goodbye sassy susan

oh blog, how i have neglected you this past week!
here's what's fresh off the wire:

as of yesterday afternoon, i am not allowed to criticize, condemn, or complain for a whole week
AND if i do i have to put a quarter in the Africa pot (all our money collected goes towards the well)
i know what you're thinking, and stop it!
.. quit thinking it's a crazy idea! it's val's object lesson for us interns this week.
see, we started reading How to Win Friends and Influence People and this is step 1, quit bein so critical!
and i'll admit, i wasn't so gung-ho about it at first, but really it's a cool idea that offers a totally new perspective and kinda makes you face your not-so-endearing qualities
so goodbye sassy susan, hello positive penelope
.. maybe after this i will learn to have a filter !

other than that:
i am seriously behind in my books.. all 7 of them
i've come to terms that research papers are not my forte
also, i think side hugs shouldn't be considered hugs
and i'm still addicted to iced coffee and chicken biscuits, as well as sunglasses, i have 4 pairs in my purse right now, i'm telling you i have problems people!
and as of last thursday rachael and i have entered into a new relationship of accountability partners!
oh and i entertained the thought of falling in love the other day.. it must be the swine flue epidemic

..there's probably more, but hey it's enough for me.

ps-it's that time of year again.. i'm sick of my entire closet, i want to throw everything out, and say goodbye to my endless supply of forever 21 v-necks, my plethora of black shirts, and my plain jane stuff.. i want my clothes to be bright and summer-y

pss- i had to write a 3-year plan last night, needless to say it was intense, and far too decisive for me
..however, i think i just might have narrowed it down to 5 career options!
a pastry chef, a legit chef (like that does it all, not just pastries) , a personal assistant, hotel manager, or nurse
i don't know, i don't know, i just don't know!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009


you know, this whole "what am i going to do next?" question has been weighing pretty heavily on my mind lately. i mean can i not go into any conversation anymore without expecting to be asked, "what's next?" or "what do you want to do after the internship?" or "what do you want to do with the rest of your life?"
normally, i say "good question" or "i don't know" or i tell them about whatever is currently interesting me the most (for example, i like baking and so a pastry chef has been my top career choice for the past 6 months or so).

but i'm so TIRED of it! i'm so tired of worrying about it, thinking about it, being asked about it. my mom is practically shoving the college idea down my throat. you know, because she didn't go then, and is stuck in it now, she doesn't want me to miss out on the opportunity, plus "it's the only way i'm going to have a good life, and be able to provide for myself and a family" oh and "don't let all your intelligence go to waste"..

i mean, yeah, yeah, yeah, i understand where she's coming from, completely. she was a stay-at-home mom my whole childhood and didn't go to nursing school til i was 14, and right after she graduated nursing school my dad left us. so yeah, i understand that she is paranoid that i won't be able to provide for myself and my family, but come on mom, drop the whole college mumbo jumbo.
i get it, i'm smart. my 5.7 gpa was a beautiful thing. and my free college opportunities will only be around for so much longer..

but, the problem is, i don't know what i want to do with the rest of my life! i'm not even motivated to figure it all out yet. i'm 19 for goodness sakes, i barely can pick where i want to eat for lunch, much less what i'm going to do over the weekend, so how can i already know what to spend the rest of my life doing? i guess being that i have lived 19 years of life you'd have expected me to figure it out already.. but i'm still maturing, growing, and learning about myself.
do people not understand that this isn't just something you wake up and decide to do?'s a CRUCIAL, HUGE, decision, that for an indecisive person like myself, takes tons of time to figure out.

see, there are some people, like one of my best friends, Jen, who just knows what she wants to be, she wants to be a missionary, and has known for years, or there are people like Joel who have that one thing, that raw talent and passion that completely drives them. but me, i'm different. i don't have that "it" thing. Lord knows i'm not athletic, i can't carry a tune, the only instrument i can play is the viola, i can't do that whole public speaking thing to save my life, and i'm even camera shy. all i've got going for me is i've got a big heart, i'm real inquistive, and i love people, a lot, and, yeah i can make a mean cupcake, brownie, pie, you name it, but like i know if that's what i want to spend the rest of my life doing.

i don't know, maybe i'm just scared to take a risk? maybe the future just freaks me out? or maybe, just maybe, i don't want to waste time anymore? i wanna do things that i'm passionate about!

what motivates me right now isn't being stuck in a school taking filler classes til i declare a major. what motivates me right now is showing Christ's love. what i'm the most excited about right now is the well in Africa that we are going to be providing for and the fact that we already have 48 pairs of shoes for kids in Guatemala.
..i dunno!
the more i write, the more confused i become.
because i'm so lucky to have the opportunity and option to go to even go to college. i have drinking water, i have shoes on my feet, i'm healthy, and those things are stuff i take for granted so often. here i am going off on how i don't know what i want to do with the rest of my life, but at least i get to choose what i want to do with my future, and have the plethora of opportunities entirely at my disposal.. i'm so lucky!

..i guess if anything, after this whole rant, all i can say is i've got it good, so good. and i don't want to just sit around, twiddling my thumbs in a classroom, but i want to do something. and i want to love. so bad, so hard, and so real, because that's what Jesus was all about. and really, i just want what i do to have greater purpose.

..sooo, who wants to make a bet i'll be in college next fall? hahah!

ps- flipping pancakes is an art. too bad, i forgot how!
pss- i had a dream i could play the piano last night, i was playing the fun part in death and all his friends by coldplay, and i was the jam!! know what that means, this will now be number 71 on my bucket list! (:

Sunday, April 19, 2009


that's my life, as of now, summed up in one word

.. i'll fill you in more soon, promise

ps- let's go see this and have a tearfest!!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

this feels good

we're building a well in Africa! we're having a shoe drive! we're saving up money to get someone who needs a car, a car! AND we're raising awareness and sending 25 dollars a month to Love146!
bring on the benefit shows, the bake sales, car washes, yard sales!
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i'm so excited for this, it feels like Christmas, and i'm not even getting anything!
and i want everyone to get involved, not just our church, and not just old people with a thick wad of cash in their wallet, i want it to be the youth, coming together, acting as a community, as a church.
we're called to this generation so let's take care of them! let's give of ourselves and love on them, and love on each other.

ps- bon iver is coming to the state theater june 10!!

pss- i just had to gush about it again, i got new shampoo and conditioner, and my hair feels super delicious! seriously, it's never felt this good before.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

i'm a "why" kind of girl

good news.. i'm back!
i'm kind of overwhelmed to really say all too much, but i'm gonna try, because i've got loads of good stuff rolling around in this head of mine, and good stuff just shouldn't go to waste, right?!

so, you may or may not have figured this out about me, but i'm a "why" kind of girl. you know i'm one of those.. one of those girls who always has her hand raised, asks questions during movies, the whole sha-bang. i mean, i can't help it, i'm extremely curious...i blame my mother.

anyways, so in me being a "why" kind of girl, i find myself having about 1,000 different questions going on in my head, at the same time mind you! but these puppies, they're questions that even i can't have answered, well, not exactly.

let me explain, it's Easter. so of course gettin my holy-iday on, you know i'm commemorating the fact that Jesus is alive and i'm celebrating in the abundant love he has so freely given us and also the living, breathing relationships we have gotten to thrust ourselves into with Him. (ftw!)
and as i'm celebrating, the questions start popping in my head, kind of like those games at chuck-e-cheese with the little heads that pop up that you hit with the mallot.. i mean why did God decide love us? he doesn't need us. he didn't even have to love us. we're not perfect, we're anything but perfect. simply put, we suck, and yes, i'm gonna be blunt about it, because it's true! we hurt him, we rebuke him, we want him only when it's convenient to our schedules, we're mean, we're liars, we're unfaithful, we lack commitment and faith, we're hypocrites, we're fake, we're materialistic. yet, despite all of that, he sent his one and only son to pay the penalty for all our sins, to die the most excruciating death for us, for you and me, and he didn't even have to, but he did.
see, that's what i don't get! it blows my mind. why me? why us? how did we get so lucky? why are we so blessed? my eyes, we've all hit jackpot, we've all won the lottery, we've got it made! i mean, God's perfect, he's the cream of the crop, shoot, he's the beginning and the end, and yet he still wants me? he still wants you? ..he wants us so bad, his heart desires us so much, that he wants us to spend eternity with him. see, he doesn't just to chill with us for a day, or a couple months, but he wants us forever, and you know, that's a pretty long time..
he sets aside and forgives all our bad and sees us a way we don't see ourselves. he looks past all our shame and sin, and sees us as the beautiful creations he so intricately designed. he calls us his sons and his daughters, he's known us and loved us since before we were even born!
..i'm completely amazed. i'm so blessed. we're so blessed. dude! God is good. that's all i gotta say.

oh and-

Colossians 3: 12-14 So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.

one more thing-
Jesus Culture - (2007) 2 Your Love is Everything

Thursday, April 9, 2009

change, my what a love-hate relationship we have

first and foremost, hello blogger-world!
my name is jessica and i have no idea how long this whole blog thing will last.
i mean, it took me 6 months to think of a blog name, so i think i at least owe you 6 months of material... right?

now that we can put introductions aside, let's get down to business.
well, not really business, but let's get to the good, juicy stuff.

so here i am, thursday night, at home, completely bummed.
and why might you ask.. get ready for this one
i got my haircut.
i know, i know, you can quit gasping and dropping your jaws.
i mean it's so apparent now, why i'm bummed, why the waterworks came, i cut my hair.
i did what i have been wanting to do the last uh, 6 months? not to mention, my mom paid for it, and my hairdresser did it exactly how i asked her to, probably even better than i asked.
these are all clearly reasons to be upset. right?

sigh, okay so enough sarcasm. i have NO reason to be remotely upset. but i'll tell you why i am.. because things changed. that word, that 7 letter word, it makes me feel all funny inside. i grit my teeth a little and put on my uncomfortable face, because that's honestly how it makes me feel. see, i can talk about change all i want, because Lord knows this girl wants things to change, so bad, but when it comes to me making the changes alone, that's when the hate part of this love-hate relationship comes into play.

i even took a personality test last thursday, and you know what my results were. i am an ENFJ. i'm extroverted, intuitive, feeling, and judging. my highest percentages were found in the extroverted and feeling categories, and i immediately clung onto the assumption that the test was rigged and wasn't accurate at all. i mean, pffff since when do i love people and since when am i um, they call it sensitive?
if you know me at all, you'll know sensitive is practically my middle name and i love people. but the more i gave it thought the more i realized why i was not diggin these results. it wasn't really because of the sensitive part because i knew that part was true, but it was the extroverted part. i can be pretty quiet and shy and big crowds intimidate me.. sometimes. but the real reason the whole extrovert part bothered me was because it made me confront myself. i overanalyze many things, especially myself. and by now, being 19 (i know i'm on the verge of being ancient, but that's another subject for another day) i have picked me apart and know myself pretty well. i know i have an extroverted personality, i know i have the gift of hospitality, but i find myself not living that out all the time. and that's a harsh reality to face. and the only way to fix the situation is by changing my style.. and i don't like change all too much, at least when it comes to changing me that is.

i once read ''everybody thinks of changing humanity and nobody thinks of changing himself'' and it's kind of stuck with me. we're so quick to want to change other people before we even look at ourselves. and even if we want change, how often do we sit on the sideline being content with our discontent rather than taking action and making changes?

i'm ready for change. i want to smell differently, taste differently, see differently. i want my heart to be more open and more loving than it's ever been before. i want to live differently, act differently, love differently. i want to laugh louder, breathe deeper, love more intimately, prayer more fervently. i'm tired of wasting time being complacent. i'm tired of wasting time in general.

let's get shoes for kids in Guatemala, let's build a well in Africa, let's adopt a village, let's bring in canned goods every sunday, let's have spaghetti dinners, let's buy people who need a car, a car, let's wash feet, let's just DO SOMETHING. one of the greatest ways to change yourself is to stop thinking about yourself and do something for someone else.

ps- completely inspirational
all i can say is, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man!