Thursday, April 9, 2009

change, my what a love-hate relationship we have

first and foremost, hello blogger-world!
my name is jessica and i have no idea how long this whole blog thing will last.
i mean, it took me 6 months to think of a blog name, so i think i at least owe you 6 months of material... right?

now that we can put introductions aside, let's get down to business.
well, not really business, but let's get to the good, juicy stuff.

so here i am, thursday night, at home, completely bummed.
and why might you ask.. get ready for this one
i got my haircut.
i know, i know, you can quit gasping and dropping your jaws.
i mean it's so apparent now, why i'm bummed, why the waterworks came, i cut my hair.
i did what i have been wanting to do the last uh, 6 months? not to mention, my mom paid for it, and my hairdresser did it exactly how i asked her to, probably even better than i asked.
these are all clearly reasons to be upset. right?

sigh, okay so enough sarcasm. i have NO reason to be remotely upset. but i'll tell you why i am.. because things changed. that word, that 7 letter word, it makes me feel all funny inside. i grit my teeth a little and put on my uncomfortable face, because that's honestly how it makes me feel. see, i can talk about change all i want, because Lord knows this girl wants things to change, so bad, but when it comes to me making the changes alone, that's when the hate part of this love-hate relationship comes into play.

i even took a personality test last thursday, and you know what my results were. i am an ENFJ. i'm extroverted, intuitive, feeling, and judging. my highest percentages were found in the extroverted and feeling categories, and i immediately clung onto the assumption that the test was rigged and wasn't accurate at all. i mean, pffff since when do i love people and since when am i um, they call it sensitive?
if you know me at all, you'll know sensitive is practically my middle name and i love people. but the more i gave it thought the more i realized why i was not diggin these results. it wasn't really because of the sensitive part because i knew that part was true, but it was the extroverted part. i can be pretty quiet and shy and big crowds intimidate me.. sometimes. but the real reason the whole extrovert part bothered me was because it made me confront myself. i overanalyze many things, especially myself. and by now, being 19 (i know i'm on the verge of being ancient, but that's another subject for another day) i have picked me apart and know myself pretty well. i know i have an extroverted personality, i know i have the gift of hospitality, but i find myself not living that out all the time. and that's a harsh reality to face. and the only way to fix the situation is by changing my style.. and i don't like change all too much, at least when it comes to changing me that is.

i once read ''everybody thinks of changing humanity and nobody thinks of changing himself'' and it's kind of stuck with me. we're so quick to want to change other people before we even look at ourselves. and even if we want change, how often do we sit on the sideline being content with our discontent rather than taking action and making changes?

i'm ready for change. i want to smell differently, taste differently, see differently. i want my heart to be more open and more loving than it's ever been before. i want to live differently, act differently, love differently. i want to laugh louder, breathe deeper, love more intimately, prayer more fervently. i'm tired of wasting time being complacent. i'm tired of wasting time in general.

let's get shoes for kids in Guatemala, let's build a well in Africa, let's adopt a village, let's bring in canned goods every sunday, let's have spaghetti dinners, let's buy people who need a car, a car, let's wash feet, let's just DO SOMETHING. one of the greatest ways to change yourself is to stop thinking about yourself and do something for someone else.

ps- completely inspirational
all i can say is, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man!

1 comment:

Michelle Soden said...

um... way to ask use my picture for your blog header!

sure, you can use it.

blog on lil lady!