undecided

you know, this whole "what am i going to do next?" question has been weighing pretty heavily on my mind lately. i mean can i not go into any conversation anymore without expecting to be asked, "what's next?" or "what do you want to do after the internship?" or "what do you want to do with the rest of your life?"
normally, i say "good question" or "i don't know" or i tell them about whatever is currently interesting me the most (for example, i like baking and so a pastry chef has been my top career choice for the past 6 months or so).

but i'm so TIRED of it! i'm so tired of worrying about it, thinking about it, being asked about it. my mom is practically shoving the college idea down my throat. you know, because she didn't go then, and is stuck in it now, she doesn't want me to miss out on the opportunity, plus "it's the only way i'm going to have a good life, and be able to provide for myself and a family" oh and "don't let all your intelligence go to waste"..

i mean, yeah, yeah, yeah, i understand where she's coming from, completely. she was a stay-at-home mom my whole childhood and didn't go to nursing school til i was 14, and right after she graduated nursing school my dad left us. so yeah, i understand that she is paranoid that i won't be able to provide for myself and my family, but come on mom, drop the whole college mumbo jumbo.
i get it, i'm smart. my 5.7 gpa was a beautiful thing. and my free college opportunities will only be around for so much longer..


but, the problem is, i don't know what i want to do with the rest of my life! i'm not even motivated to figure it all out yet. i'm 19 for goodness sakes, i barely can pick where i want to eat for lunch, much less what i'm going to do over the weekend, so how can i already know what to spend the rest of my life doing? i guess being that i have lived 19 years of life you'd have expected me to figure it out already.. but i'm still maturing, growing, and learning about myself.
do people not understand that this isn't just something you wake up and decide to do? ..it's a CRUCIAL, HUGE, decision, that for an indecisive person like myself, takes tons of time to figure out.

see, there are some people, like one of my best friends, Jen, who just knows what she wants to be, she wants to be a missionary, and has known for years, or there are people like Joel who have that one thing, that raw talent and passion that completely drives them. but me, i'm different. i don't have that "it" thing. Lord knows i'm not athletic, i can't carry a tune, the only instrument i can play is the viola, i can't do that whole public speaking thing to save my life, and i'm even camera shy. all i've got going for me is i've got a big heart, i'm real inquistive, and i love people, a lot, and, yeah i can make a mean cupcake, brownie, pie, you name it, but like i know if that's what i want to spend the rest of my life doing.

i don't know, maybe i'm just scared to take a risk? maybe the future just freaks me out? or maybe, just maybe, i don't want to waste time anymore? i wanna do things that i'm passionate about!


what motivates me right now isn't being stuck in a school taking filler classes til i declare a major. what motivates me right now is showing Christ's love. what i'm the most excited about right now is the well in Africa that we are going to be providing for and the fact that we already have 48 pairs of shoes for kids in Guatemala.
..i dunno!
the more i write, the more confused i become.
because i'm so lucky to have the opportunity and option to go to even go to college. i have drinking water, i have shoes on my feet, i'm healthy, and those things are stuff i take for granted so often. here i am going off on how i don't know what i want to do with the rest of my life, but at least i get to choose what i want to do with my future, and have the plethora of opportunities entirely at my disposal.. i'm so lucky!


..i guess if anything, after this whole rant, all i can say is i've got it good, so good. and i don't want to just sit around, twiddling my thumbs in a classroom, but i want to do something. and i want to love. so bad, so hard, and so real, because that's what Jesus was all about. and really, i just want what i do to have greater purpose.

..sooo, who wants to make a bet i'll be in college next fall? hahah!



ps- flipping pancakes is an art. too bad, i forgot how!
pss- i had a dream i could play the piano last night, i was playing the fun part in death and all his friends by coldplay, and i was the jam!! ..you know what that means, this will now be number 71 on my bucket list! (: